more compelling

“…I would miss you more if you were thinner”

trigger warning for ednos

so it comes down to this
you’ve lied about it being “ok”
my 175 lb, 5’9” self being “ok”
you lied about loving my body
no wait, no you didn’t really lie
it’s fine now
really, just…in the future…you wonder

you don’t like yourself, you know that it isn’t fair
that gender roles make it so and that
if it were the other way around
it wouldn’t matter
but what it is is
the romance of it

you can pick me up, but it takes strength
I can run into your arms but
it knocks the wind out of you

is this where it unravels? it can’t be
there must be something behind this because
every time we make love you glow
I know I know I know it’s more than this

it must be a displacement, must be some
place to put the hurt or anger or loneliness
so that those things stay hidden
make me the issue.

but now, I can’t close my eyes
can’t eat a bite
can’t imagine
can’t un-think the hurt
it’s everywhere, the ideal

no one asked me when they carved inches off her body
no one said, “can you do this? can you live like this?”
no one mentioned that my body does important things
that my body runs far and fast, that my body plays music
that my body embraces other bodies while they shake crying in my arms.

what of that?

now I feel my voice shaking
my foundations crumbling
I know that I cannot allow it
I will not allow it

but how to break the fast?